Dear friend,
 

I want to share with you the big news!

On the 19th of August, my son Kalei came to this world! A little lion cub joined the family ❤️

During pregnancy, I naively thought that being a father wouldn't be that difficult, it's something that millions of men have been doing for hundreds of thousands of years.

I couldn't be more wrong.
 

During this last month I already experienced so many different things that I could easily write a book. Moments of infinite wonder and beauty, next to difficulties that I didn't know from before.

For example, I sometimes find myself struggling to remain calm and centered when I'm with Kalei and he starts crying for no apparent reason. Especially if I had little sleep the night before, inside of me a hysterical voice screams "AHHH WHAT'S HAPPENING?!? WHAT SHOULD I DO NOW?!?"

When this happens I seek for help in the eyes of Tania, who with the calmness of Buddha comes to us and with a loving voice asks him "Hey Kalei, what is bothering you?" and in a few seconds she knows what he needs.

Sometimes I wish to have the same intuition she has, and then I ask myself, am I a good father? How can I be a good father? What does it actually mean to be a good father?

It was in the middle of one of these moments that I remembered a Playfight Circle that happened some time ago - where something magical about the relationship between a father and his son emerged.

I want to share this memory with you.

I was visiting Italy for a few days and I decided to do a surprise visit to the Playfight Facilitators of Milan joining one of their sessions. In the Circle, among other participants, there were a father and a son.

It was only towards the end of the session that the son decided to move to the center of the Circle and invite his father to Playfight. The father accepted smiling. In the middle of the Circle, they touched their fists saying "Playfight", The Encounter begun. My stomach was tingling, I was excited about what I was going to witness.

The minutes elapsed quickly, they both engaged fully trying to pin back the other in a respectful way. Yet the tingling feeling turned into an uncomfortable tension in me. There were very few moments where they were looking at each other in the eyes, and when this was happening one or the other would look immediately away.

It looked to me that in that Playfight, and probably in their daily life, each of them was deeply longing to connect with the other but being seen open and vulnerable was too scary, too awkward to maintain, leaving an unfulfilling sense of separation.

At the end of the 7 minutes, the applause from the Circle that marks the end of the first ritual was taut, almost metallic. The faces in the Circle were tensed, I guess what they saw reminded them how hard is sometimes to connect with the people we love the most. Maybe even with their own father.

The third ritual, the Appreciation, began.

With an awkward move they reached for the hand of one another in what looked almost like a formal handshake, then they remained in silence looking at the floor. After a few moments the Facilitators invited them to hold both hands and to try to maintain eye contact while speaking at least one appreciation for the other.

Few seconds passed before the father straightened his back and reached for both hands of the son.

While holding them gently but firmly, he said, "I appreciate that you invited me to Playfight with you. I appreciate the courage you had to Playfight with your Father."

Then with a shaky voice he added "I never had the courage to ask mine."

Tears were filling his eyes.

The Circle was completely still and silent. So much was moving inside each one of us.

The son's eyes were wet and slowly he raised his gaze from the floor to his father's face.

"I appreciate you dad, for accepting my invitation. I appreciate your strength and your care. Thank you for connecting with me". He said.

Tears were rolling on their cheeks, and on the faces of many other people in the Circle, including myself.

A warm endless applause followed. The tension was melted. This Playfight was a healing journey for them and for many of the people in that room.

When they moved back to back for the fourth and last ritual - the Feedback, the people in the Circle were trying to find words to express what they had just lived.

Each one of the voices that spoke mentioned how privileged they were to witness that Playfight and how important it was for them and for their own healing.

One participant even expressed her intention to reconnect with her own father after many years of silence.

Here it ends this little story and continues my own. In fact this Playfight made me realize that I also tend to "look away" when the relationship with my son Kalei becomes more difficult than I would like. Inspired by that father who opened up to be vulnerable in front of his son, I now do my best to accept my insecurities, and when Kalei cries I try to remain calm, and to appreciate his sincerity in showing me his difficulty.
The experiment has already given the first results. The last two times he started crying I asked him "what's bothering you Kalei?", And like magic I felt the impulse to check his diaper that ...
Well I let you guess what I discovered :P

The icing on the cake is that in few days my parents will come to visit us here in Portugal for a week. That will be another opportunity to integrate the teachings of Playfight into my real life, but this time in the role of the son.
May the strength of the lion be with me!

If you also would like to visit us in Portugal and at the same time dive into Playfight, see our events here and also in other parts of Europe.

I wish you a lovely day and all the strength needed to keep open and vulnerable to make connection thrive with the people you love!

warmly,
Matteo Tangi